Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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