Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
