**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
