The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
