All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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