If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
