Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Randomize
