Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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