I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
