You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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