Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
