goodnight i made you a song goodbye
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
