This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
