Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
