he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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