two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
