I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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