upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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