The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
