I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
