the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
