Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
