Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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