ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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