Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
