Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize