I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
