How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
