remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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