I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
