I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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