she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
