I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
