So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
