I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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