I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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