I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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