I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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