Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
