I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
