why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
