i already hear my dad disowning me
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
