my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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