Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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