jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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