i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I had to cum in my sink.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
