I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
