I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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