we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
