i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
