I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
